So tired.

Fatigue, insomnia and post-surgery pain have been my constant companions of late. Being tired but unable to sleep is at once surreal and annoying; being awake for multiple 30-hour-plus stretches in a row is crazymaking. I’m not entirely sure what’s causing it, but my guess is either the copious amounts of tea I’ve been consuming or the extra vitamin D for bone health. The fatigue feels like a leaden weight at the base of my skull.

I attempted to go for a brief bit of shopping with the help of relatives and discovered the hard way that my cane is insufficient support for such an endeavour. Another relative will be dropping off a wheeled walker for me to use for a while. On top of it, sitting is starting to hurt again. I’m really detesting this helplessness thing.

New med, a mood balancer, seems to be working somewhat. The only downside thus far is that it’s made my tinnitus louder.

I hate this “just existing” mode.


The long crawl.

The surgery went well. I spent the first day pissing a lot of watery blood, which seems to have been a side effect of the procedure. Recovery’s been slow and laden with pain dull and sharp despite regular doses of naproxen — some of it actually feels worse than from the previous surgery — and I can’t be on my feet very long before I need to be off them again. It was still worth it. My immediate concern is now bone density.

I admit to wondering briefly whether I’d wake up from the anaesthetic. Part of me didn’t want to. The other part is just trudging mechanically along.

My cat Immi barely left my side during the first couple of days, which I spent mostly abed. She took very good care of me.

I also received the application forms for the long-term funding and have been filling them out. The sooner I can get it to the right office, the sooner I can bring the necessary paperwork to my psychiatrist to sign. Just need to hang on a little longer.

How odd that I should be sweeping up the pieces of my life while death occurs all around me. I almost feel like the centre of a storm.

Going to need the gabapentin to sleep tonight. The pain is a bit too much to ignore this time.

She said yes.

I began tearing up in her office when she agreed. I don’t dare relax until the funding has been secured and its figures are staring me in the face. The necessary paperwork is already on its way to me.

The talk we had was more productive. She looked horrified to hear of the new med’s effects and apologised for what I endured. I have a mood stabiliser to try, which I’ll do after I’ve recovered a bit from surgery tomorrow.

Tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.